I'M NOT WORTHY!

I was nominated for the above award in this blog. *CLICK HERE TO READ*

I’m not worthy to be picked out by a mom such as this and even though I posted it as a comment on her blog, I can elaborate better than a mere comment.

Mr.N had a speech delay.  He didn’t say his very 1st word until he was 26 months old.   Everything before he was 2 is a hazy mess.  I spent the 1st year of his life trying to wrangle an alcoholic sociopath and raise an infant.  When said sociopath (bob) walked out on us, Mr.N was 10 months old.  I was so freaking scared of the future that I was lucky we made it day by day.  There were promises for the next year that bob was SO over the tramp he left us for that at least every 3 months, I was given assurances from him that we were going to again be a family, very soon.  Looking back I realize it was a tactic of his control.  He was able to do it even after the fucker left us!  I also realize that it was a shitty ass way to live my life.  The very memory of how I lived my life the year following his departure is pathetic and embarrassing!  But like any traumatic event I eventually got over this too and I was stronger for it. 

There had been murmurs at doctor’s visits about the lack of speech developing with Mr.N but I was a 1st time mother (without her own mother around to consult) raised by a very old-school type family and we all believed that there was absolutely nothing wrong with a 2 year old that didn’t speak… yet.  I got Mr.N into day care and started volunteering at the local animal shelter.  It was his day care mom who finally raised a bigger red flag than anyone else could.  I told her that I didn’t have a problem with him not talking yet but she persisted until she wore me down and she got me in touch with people in our area who would meet with him at day care twice a month with one in-home visit.  This I could handle.  I took a very “hands-off” approach with his treatment.  I technically wasn’t acknowledging that my child had a problem, just letting them do what they wanted because it certainly wasn’t going to hurt anything. 

After almost a year in day care, I finally got my first job since before Mr.N was born!  I was OVER-THE-MOON HAPPY!  My start date was to be 08/26/2008, exactly two years TO THE DAY that bob left our home.  Now THIS had to be a sign!  I was told that Mr.N would be out of the Birth-3 program and eligible for the special needs pre-school.  I’m starting a new job… Mr.N would have SCHOOL?!?  With busing to and from school and day care?!?  Who was I to judge if it was "special-needs" this was a single mom’s dream come true, until they started “hinting.”

In May of 2009 the teachers at my son’s pre-school diagnosed him as autistic.  They had been “pussy-footing” around the A-word (as I called it) since November of 2008.  I’m not an idiot!  They would say that he had this characteristic and that characteristic, all of which I knew were “characteristics” of autism, without ever saying the actual word until his 1st year of school was almost over.  I thought his life WAS OVER!  I was really dumb looking back but you have to remember this was 3 years ago, I didn't know any better.  After I was done crying, I slammed my hands on the table and said, "OK! Let's do this thing! When do we test him?"  They applauded my 'take charge attitude' and then said they would test him in the fall. IT WAS MAY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! They actually expected me to spend the WHOLE summer wondering and worrying!  I got home, called our physician and after a couple weeks and some referrals we had our screening appt. The clinic confirmed what I sort of suspected all along. To quote the doctor, "He has 'personality quirks' I'll give you that, but it's not autism." I came to find out that my son's pre-school gets extra state funding for students they deem "autistic." I have SO much respect for parents of autistic children and feel ashamed that my son's school thought it was ok to corral me in with an ELITE group of parents.

Today Mr.N is STILL obsessed with vacuum cleaners as he was when he was 3.  He knows the difference between a Dyson DC-10 and the Dyson Ball.  He knows what features are on the Hoover Wind Tunnel, Eureka The Boss & everything in between.  He knows that James Spangler invented the Hoover & James Dyson invented the Dyson.  The only difference between then and now is that vacuums are no longer his one and only key interest.  Mr.N knows all the names of the trains on Thomas & Friends, the names of all the Transformers and whether they’re an Autobot or a Decepticon. 

I'm thrilled by this KUDDOS for my blog.  I started this as a type of "documented closure" on a HUGE chapter in my life at the start of a HUGE new chapter in which I'm starting college again with the knowledge that this time, for me and my child, I WILL FINISH!