Friday, August 17, 2012

August 24th

August 24th...  I LOVE August 24th.

August 24th 2007 Mr.N’s “father” left us.  Mr.N was very nearly 10 months old.

I spent the next year hearing promise after promise that he was coming back so we could be a “family” again and I believed him every fucking time.

November 2008 BOB called me the week before his birthday, obviously drunk, slurring his words at 3 o’clock in the afternoon.  His girlfriend (the one he ran off with & the one I call #10 because she was the 10th one that I KNEW OF who he had cheated on me with) was screaming in the background, “Take him back!  I don’t want him!”  He yelled back to her, “Shut up you fucking slut I’m on the phone!”  He cried & cried and finally VERY QUIETLY said, “I love you, I want to come home.”  For the 1st time ever my stomach did something unusual…  It wasn’t “butterflies” like every other time.  It was nausea!  Sweet sweet NAUSEA!  I FELT SICK TO MY STOMACH OVER HEARING THOSE THREE WORDS… I LOVE YOU.  I literally LAUGHED OUT LOUD and it threw him, I could hear the surprise over the phone.  Even in his drucken state he knew.  Saying those words to me usually got a reaction of, “Oh! You know you can always come home”… BLAH BLAH BLAH!  I always said some sappy ass bullshit that made him feel he had me to fall back on but not this time.  I was over him & he knew it.  For the 1st time BOB KNEW he couldn't come back to our house.

BOB’s “mom” tried to keep a relationship with me.  I knew the whole time that I didn’t want her around FOREVER because she was mentally unstable but I had NOTHING!!!  And with my family more than 2 hours away and sick and tired of me taking back BOB…  BOB’s “mom” was the only person close to me (geographically speaking).  Whenever BOB’s “mom” was having hard times with her partner, she would reach out to me.  One time in 2008 she called me on a Friday night asking if we wanted to come to her house for the weekend.  At the time I was oblivious as to her motives but on our way to her house she said, “There goes [her partner & her son]!”  I said, “WHAT?!?  Why are they heading that way?” (away from their house)  She said that her and her partner had gotten into a BIG fight that day and when they get into fights like that her partner takes her son [her biological son & BOB's half brother] and goes away for awhile.  INSTANTLY… I’m on full “defensive mode.”  My mommy senses were tingling, something was NOT right here!  I felt that I SHOULD NOT BE going to her house without anyone else there.  I tiptoed around her for the night, we watched TV and Mr.N & I went to sleep.  The next morning, I was still feeling uneasy about being there.  I went on her computer to upload some pictures to Myspace… (HA!  I know, I only had Myspace back then J)  After I put my memory card into her computer her “My Pictures” folder popped up.  I... was… FLOORED…  There were pictures of the INSIDE of my house!  The only time she was inside of my house, without me, was when my Grandmother died.  I didn’t want to take Mr.N to a funeral at 2 years old when he was still a MONSTER in Church.  I loved my Grandmother SO dearly that even I didn’t want Mr.N there to take away from my grieving & my dad agreed.  BOB’s mom agreed to take Mr.N for the day and I lied to my entire family that day saying that Mr.N was with a very trusted neighbor of mine.  My sister who lived in a nearby town at the time told me she wouldn’t take me to our grandmother’s funeral if BOB’s “mom” was watching Mr.N.  So I lied.

YES!  My house was messy!  I just spent 3 days knowing that my Grandmother was dead & my car was such a P.O.S. that I couldn’t be in my hometown with my family.  The pictures showed clutter, clothes strung around & the most damning picture, a pair of scissors on the top of Mr.N’s TV in his room.  The night before the funeral I had been in Mr.N’s room cutting out construction paper shapes for Mr.N’s walls. (call it therapy for me)  I must’ve left the scissors on the top of his TV (which was on an entertainment stand, STILL out of his reach) from the night before.  THESE PICTURES OF MY HOUSE ALL POPPED UP ON BOB’S “mom’s” COMPUTER WITH ONLY ME, MR.N & BOB’S “mom” IN THE HOUSE!  I knew all along that BOB’s “mom” had guns in the house… Her partner had a permit for multiple hand guns SO I FROZE for a second.  I closed the computer window and walked over to the couch.  I couldn’t confront her with the pics on her computer.  She was already in a fragile state with her partner running off with HER son for what I could only think, was a “safety concern.”  I again tip toed around her as much as I could, but she caught on.  I was ready to call 911 if I had to but she finally confronted me… She said, “OK!  What is wrong with you?!?”  I told her that I saw the pictures of my house on her computer and, “I WANT TO GO HOME RIGHT NOW!!!”  She pleaded and begged with me that the “pics were NOTHING!  I was just afraid for my grandson!”  I said, “I WANT TO GO HOME NOW!  If you won’t take me willingly, I will call someone who will.”  Defeated...  She took us home.  She didn't talk the whole way (thankfully) and when we got to my house... she tried to say something and I told her to, "Shut the FUCK up!  You betrayed me & I will never forget it!"  I didn't want to hear it.  At this point I was used to being betrayed by her IDIOT offspring... But now I knew... I couldn't fucking trust her either. She contacted me sporadically for the next year...  always carefully...  but I never met her with Mr.N face to face.

August 24th 2009 I started my very first job since I was pregnant with Mr.N.  I lost my job in July of 2006, 3 months before Mr.N was born.  July 2006 was also the month that I took his “father” back.  He had a well paying job during the week and I spent my weekends worrying about WHERE BOB was.  It took a toll on my job because I worked at a hotel where BOB would park his car on Friday night and disappear for the entire weekend.  I asked my co-workers to call in his car to be towed but they never would.  I can only guess they were secretly scared of retaliation if they did so.

Anyway, August 24th 2009, I drop off Mr.N at day care and go to my 1st job in just over 3 years.  3 years of BULLSHIT!  7 months of which included regular beatings from BOB, a year of pining over an asshole and one year of being an Animal Shelter volunteer and putting blood, sweat & tears into hunting for a job.  I FINALLY GOT A JOB!  :D  Mr.N’s day care mom was adamant that he had a speech delay… When I thought it wasn’t that big of a deal.  So 2 weeks after I started my 1st job as a "single mom", Mr.N started a pre-school under an IEP.  THINGS WERE CRAZY!

 BOB's "mom" contacted me through facebook, she said she wanted to spend some time with Mr.N.  I honestly meant it when I said, "not now."  I was still waiting for another batch of fucking crazy to bake up...  I knew it was coming, I just didn't want to be in her personal company when it actually DID happen.  LOL

my actual facebook message:
not now. You wanted to be added for pics. Until I can confirm you're stable... sorry. I'm focused on Nik and his new school life... me and my new work life... getting us both to and from with the snow about to fly.... and that's it. I'm sorry I can't help you more than that now.
The actual facebook message from her partner:
Sarah, what since your dont have a mother anymore you have to go after other peoples mothers. If this is the way that you acted when she was alive it is no wonder that she is dead, you probably drove her into the ground, thank god she is gone and does not have to deal with the evil person that you are anymore, she was smart, she left before you got this bad. No good christian would be as evil and mean as you are, you have to belong to a anti christ church!

Did she really fucking say that my beloved mother DIED because she didn't want to stick around on EARTH to see me become a FIERCE mother willing to protect my child against people that seemed detrimental to OUR moving forward in life?!?

I believe BOB's "mom's" partner is the anti-christ for even writing the above.  She is a sick sick SICK & twisted individual for even being able to TYPE such a fucking STUPID message to me.
Fast forward 3 years...  Mr.N is on his computer watching the TV show "Dinosaurs" on youtube.  (yes, the Sinclair family with the NOT THE MAMA! baby)  I'm hungry for a BBQ pulled pork sub from Subway so I go outside and wait for him to finish his video before we leave.  When Mr.N comes outside his little friend is riding his bike in our parking lot so Mr.N rides around with him for a little bit.  A truck that I've seen a lot in our neighborhood pulls into the circle drive, driving very, very slowly.  I think that the driver of the truck is being cautious of the kiddos riding their bikes & it stops just short of our place.  I tell Mr.N that it's time to go.  I hop on my bike, still not caring or LOOKING at the driver of the truck, but I was aware that it started driving behind us after we started going.  I told myself...  "Stop freaking out, it's just a coincidence. You're not THAT special, they're not following US." LOL  We turned left out of our driveway and then right into the driveway of the H.S. & I never looked behind at the the truck again.  We rode our bikes behind the H.S. through the parking lot. When we made it to the next street's sidewalk... just passed the parking lot... it happened.  We were on the left hand side of the road, on the sidewalk when all the sudden the Chevy S-10 with the blue body & white truck bed turned into the oncoming lane ahead of us, pointed at the sidewalk but still on the road of course.  I couldn't really see the person but I immediately recognized the truck.  I was stunned that someone was in the other lane of traffic & stunned that they were addressing me.  *WHO THE HELL IS THIS?!?*  The person then said, "I just want you to know, I think you're doing a really great job with him."  I was looking at the cars that were IN THE RIGHT LANE trying to figure out what was going on with this truck blocking their lane AND the sun was in my eyes.  When I figured out WHO it was I said, "ooooookkkkkaaaay."  She sat there and again I looked at the cars in the "RIGHT" lane waiting for this FUCKING crazy person in a truck blocking their lane.  I yelled, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?" She replied but I couldn't make out what she said because the cars were now going around her vehicle in the other lane.  She said, "What's wrong?"  I said, "I'm FRICKEN terrified! That's WHAT!"  She again said something I couldn't make out, but stayed where she was in her truck. At this point Mr.N said, "Mama?!?  What's going on!!!"  I said, "Com'on!  We're going back home!  Com'on Buddy, LET'S GO!"  She said something along the lines of... "ok ok, I won't bother you anymore."  We rode our bikes back into the parking lot of the H.S. and I stood there decompressing what had just happened.  I was FUCKING MAD, but I didn't let Mr.N know.  I stood there, thinking about what had just happened.  I HAVEN'T FELT THAT FUCKING VIOLATED IN MY HOME TERRITORY SINCE I WILLINGLY LET BOB BACK INTO OUR LIVES.


Until I finish school and move back to my hometown...  I will have to worry about this PSYCHO lady living closer to me than any of my family and it makes me sick.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

I Am Too Fucking Trusting (& apparently don’t get along with anyone under 60)

I’m terrible at trusting people too fast.  I am an optimist.  I believe that EVERYONE around me has the same attitude.  The only problem is THEY DON’T!!!  A very good friend of mine (Ms.P, I’ll bring her up later) says I need to move away from the area that I’m at because any relationship that I have with these degenerate people that live around is “doomed for failure.”  I met with my Psychology professor today and he also said that I was too trusting!  He said I wear my feelings on my sleeves and I need to learn to conceal them more.  *ding ding ding!  We have a winner folks!* We said our goodbyes and he told me to come to his office to talk… shoot him an email and we can meet up anytime.  He is an AWESOME dude & I fully plan to take him up on it!  His insights on these people were spot fucking on!  :D

I listened to #DOUCHEmom for months as she talked about the people around her.  WHY DIDN’T I STOP MYSELF THINKING, “If she talks about these people like that!!!  Why wouldn’t she (at some point) talk about ME in the same way?”  I’m so fucking dumb/smart in hind sight.

When spring came early this year, I was too busy with college to know that Mr.J had blocked me from facebook.  When Mrs.M asked me why I was at Mr.J’s house earlier that weekend, I didn’t think too much of it.  I had a feeling that she knew more than she was letting on… But I TRUSTED HER!!!  At this point, she hadn’t given me a reason to NOT trust her.  She asked me stupid “high school” questions like, “Oh! Did you guys DO anything while you were in his house?”  & “Is there something going on with you and Mr.J?”  I said, “NO!  Nikolas wanted to play with Mr.A, but I have absolutely NOTHING going on with Mr.J”.  Mrs.M said, “That’s good because he’s been texting #DOUCHEmom, very inappropriate text messages and she made up a fake boyfriend to make it stop but it didn’t work anyway.”  SAY FUCKING WHAT?!?  I’m surrounded by adults with the mentalities of a 12 year old!  Mrs.M went on to say that all the sarcastic jabs she throws at Mr.J aren’t jokes, she means them and laughs about it.  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE!!!  The only conclusion I can come to is that liars, two-faced people and losers only get along with liars, two-faced people and losers.  I’m proud to say, I just DON’T fucking fit in.

I’m fucking done with people I live around.  The only healthy relationship I’ve had since moving here is Ms.P & she’s 60 years old.  I guess only the semi elderly are mature enough for me.  Now that I think about it the only people I talk to at length over the phone are Ms.P & my dad’s wife who’s 65.  They’re the only two I ever pick up the phone for everyone else I text or call back later on my terms.  I don’t know when I stopped talking to people over the phone it just happened. 

Two year plan:
Graduate college & move back to my hometown in Wisconsin.  Where there is no cash assistance welfare and the people on disability are actual disabled.  Oh & people don’t have babies to get food stamps…  Is all of that too much to ask?  Fuck Minnesota!

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Is This Only Funny and Ironic To Me?

These are ACTUAL facebook messages between me and another mom that lives near me.  She told me that she DID NOT agree with DOUCHEmom but then recanted her story.  It's a VERY funny read if you read the entire story.

Oh a few things more to consider with the Montessori, getting him there in the middle of winter (we are to close for bus service), Sending him lunch every day and that [DOUCHEmom] is going to be sending [her son] there.  The Parochial school will also reinforce your personal beliefs and morals, where as the Montessori will not. The parochial school is also going to be more firmly structured, not to mention you will get to have concerts etc that the Montessori does not do.

Like I'm gonna let [DOUCHEmom] dictate what's best for my child's education? HA! You already told me about everything else last summer so I was already aware. I have a feeling that [DOUCHEmom] already blocked me from [a particular] day care. I called [the day care] one day and she was ALL READY for Mr.N, SCHEDULE AND EVERYTHING and mysteriously at 4:20pm {when DOUCHEmom picks up HER kid from “said” day care} she said she was full. I have half a mind to check out this story because she still has a sign saying she has openings. Pretty sure there's discrimination in there. [DOUCHEmom] means about as much to me as a pebble stuck in my shoe.

oh yeah, i forgot that we talked about it last fall... I would at least check out this other school before you make a final decision.

After talking to Mr.N’s grandpa in CO tonight, I've decided that Mr.N WILL be going to the Montessori for kindergarten and I'll decide his whereabouts for 1st grade after January 2013. [DOUCHEmom] is sub-human to me because she is two-faced... Two-faced people are fake and untrustworthy. I'm sorry that you are friends but only because she confided in me that she was utterly disgusted that Mr.A (Mrs.M’s child) taught [DOUCHEmom’s kid]  "How to light matches" And trust me... she was REALLY pissed off about that because as she said, she keeps candles and matches around the house ALL THE TIME.

-[I am purposefully leaving something out here to protect Mrs.M from something REALLY hateful that DOUCHEmom said about her.]-

I feel bad about finally letting you know about things she's said about YOU... But I am NOT two-faced therefore, I cannot, in good faith, keep you in the dark either.  [DOUCHEmom] can say what she wants about me... But whatever untruths she slings at me? I can sling stupid shit right back at her.

I still think you should check out the other school before you make a final decision, but that's up to you. Oh, don't worry about it. First of all i was pretty mad about the match thing as well. I didn't know Mr.A knew how to light a match until then! Secondly,-[I am purposefully deleting again the very disparaging thing that DOUCHEmom said about Mrs.M]-

I liked the Montessori because Mr.N learns in a very non-public school kind of way. I decided a LONG time ago that I was going to keep Mr.N out of parochial school until 1st grade because it would save my aunt and uncle money. (My aunt and uncle decided a long time ago that they wanted to pay for Mr.N’s Christian education) So now that I LIKE the Montessori, I'm going to send him there for kindergarten. I can make lunches for Mr.N  I don't care about craft projects because we can do that at home if I really want. The reason why you keep trying to talk me out of Montessori? That part I can't understand. I've talked about every part that you brought up last summer and recently with his grandpa and we've both decided that the Montessori is right for Mr.N.

oh, i'm not trying to talk you out of it! I'm sorry if it came across that way, I was simply bringing up the points about it that i had thought about when deciding about sending Mr.A there. I actually cried about the concert thing (no clue why, must have been a hormonal day). I didn't realize you were set about Kindergarten being non parochial, which is why i was pushing to visit the other school before you made up your mind.

(no reply from me at this point…  I thought this conversation was pretty much over at this point…  But wait for it… wait for it… This next part is EPIC!)

I feel like, I should be completely honest with you, you are a good person and I respect you. Yet I have to say that I mostly agree with [DOUCHEmom]. Now I think things could have and should have been handled much better than they were, but that is a moot point now. Please read this to the end before you pass your judgment.
I feel you should be out there much more with Mr.N, I know that you trust him, but is it wise to implicitly trust a 5 year old to always do the right thing and stay out of trouble? I understand why you do not come out now,


but then should Mr.N really be out there with you not watching him? Because it is now left to at least me to watch him, you say that we are not expected to do so, but what else are we supposed to do when he gets mean or is a brat?

(hmmmmmm.. pretty sure you said you didn't JUDGE me and WANTED Mr.N to play with his "friends" behind our house.)

Just ignore it? Pretend like he did not just run into a kid with a bike, or smack them in the face just because you are not around? (LIKE THEIR CHILDREN HAVE NOT DONE THE EXACT SAME THINGS TO MR.N?) None of our kids are perfect, but Mr.N does have some problems. He still comes up to our sliding door and stares into the house, 

and if the door is open but the screen is shut he pesters to come inside, even after being told no and being asked politely to go away. If he knocks on the door and we don’t answer, he tries the glass door, and keeps going between the two doors until someone tells him to go away..

*Pot, kettle, black... Mr.A does the EXACT same thing to our patio door*

For Gods sake [she's atheist, so that's funny to me, lol] 3 year old [New kid, Mr.C] taps him (Mr.N) and he falls to the ground screaming and crying.
(refrain judgment on this one until you read my next message)
 He constantly whines and cries the second he doesn’t get his way then he becomes violent,
(ooooooo! Violent?  You mean he's starting to try and kill other kids!?!  Damn!  I really DO need to watch him more!)

hitting and pushing and kicking (yes they all do but you aren’t around to check that in him). I don’t like the way [my child, Mr.A] behaves after he has been around Mr.N. He starts doing the same whining crying that Mr.N does all the time.

(this is the child that WAILS at the top of his lungs after he gets hurt from starting sword fighting games with other kids)
When you are out there and he does something bad, all you do is shriek at him and give empty threats until he has worn you down and you can’t take it anymore and drag him inside. The whole town doesn’t want or need to hear you screaming at your kid. *The truth comes out RIGHT HERE*>>>You are right, I don’t want Mr.N going to Montessori, because I don’t want Mr.A around him all day everyday at least until he gets a handle on his social emotional issues. I also don’t think it is the right environment for Mr.N (at this point everything that she is pointing out about my child is more than laughable so I’ll leave my commentary OUT!) given these social emotional problems, I personally feel that a more structured environment would greatly benefit him. But that is not a decision for me to make. Who knows, maybe Montessori will be really good for him and help him too. I’m sorry that I lied about not trying to talk you out of Montessori, but I felt guilty after you asked, and I’ve been feeling awful all day, and like you telling me the things that [DOUCHEmom] said, I feel like you deserve the truth as well. As I stated before, none of the kids are perfect and they all have their own issues and problems, Mr.A (her child) has issues expressing Anger, but I try to always be around to help stop him from hitting or kicking etc.. I know that we as parents can’t always stop every action but we at least have to try. I respect you , and I know that you are a good person with a good heart. I also know that it is extremely difficult being a single mom with an abusive past. [Referring to the fact that I am a survivor of Domestic Abuse] I have tried to avoid any sort of confrontation, as the mere thought of hurting someone else makes me feel ill, even when that person and I share very different views and beliefs. There, now you know my feeling on the matter, and I am sorry for hurting you. I am so sorry for causing you pain, I do consider you a friend, and for that reason I had to send this to you, because you deserve the truth. Lying to try to protect your feelings and my own is wrong and will only hurt you further.

ME: (truth, truth, truth & truth)
Did you know that Mr.A (even just on Friday) comes to our patio door and knocks softly at 1st and eventually starts pounding when he doesn't get a speedy response? Friday was the 1st time we've been home in months so it makes me wonder how many times this has happened. If Mr.N has been coming up to your patio door, I'm sorry, I have told him not to but I guess since Mr.A does it over here on a VERY regular basis without me saying anything, Mr.N probably thought it was ok. I find it VERY ironic that you would say that you don't like the way Mr.A acts after being around Mr.N. Have you and [DOUCHEmom] spoken about this, because she said the EXACT same thing about [her child] after being around [your child]. I had to go back and read that part twice because I felt like I was having deja vu.
I am BY FAR not the ONLY guilty party when it comes to empty threats but I vow now to be the only person to start carrying out the threats of going inside. I can't believe you would even bring up "empty threats" when you are just as guilty about them as I am. YUP! I'm a yeller. My mom was a yeller and now I am a yeller. Habits like that are so tough to break but I was well aware of it long before you brought it up.

I witnessed Mr.N’s problems with [New kid, Mr.C] from the get-go. He was upset when [the little guy] ran away with something Mr.N was playing with and I emphatically told him that Mr.C didn't know any better and he was to let it go. The new mom,  was stern in saying, no! it's not ok, and I'm sure Mr.N picked up on that. Crying and whining about it are SURELY NOT the ways to handle things like that. But neither is wailing at the top of your lungs.

Mr.N is the 1st person to share new toys. Hell, someone road his new bike before he even did simply because they asked when we got home with it. He understands that it IS his and he'll be the one keeping it so he could care less if someone plays with something of his, new or not.

I get that you think no one kid is perfect but can you honestly go back and read the entire message you sent me and put [your child] in place of Mr.N on EVERY scenario you placed to me? I know I did.

I will be outside whenever Mr.N is from now on. I will not be over by you because, unlike you, I can't stand the two-faced nature of [DOUCHEmom]. She makes me sick to my stomach thinking about her. There is no respect or friendship between us like I thought. You only seem to affirming that [DOUCHEmom] was right when she said that [BITCHmom’s] insane bad attitude towards me is indeed shared by all. I should have known better than assume you were telling the truth about the fact that you told me you DIDN'T share their points of view when it came to me and my child.

I've never seen Mr.N rip of an article of clothing off another child and run away laughing [like DOUCHEmom’s kid did] & I've never seen Mr.N bring a toy outside and not allow another child to even touch it let alone play with it. Yes, Mr.N has A LOT of learning to do about social interactions but he has NO MORE or NO LESS learning than ANY child that lives in the vicinity. You said no one was perfect but you need to realize that Mr.N is not the ranked highest where bad behavior is concerned. From what I've witnessed they're ALL as guilty as Mr.N.


Oh i agree entirely that Mr.A has just as much to learn as Mr.N does, just in different areas, like sharing his toys, dealing with anger and realizing that in sharing his toys he will get them back. I think part of that problem stems from the time we lived in my parents basement and all the toys available were not his and he didn't get to keep anything. We are working on it. I do realize that a lot of these behaviors are age related and that the ones that arent you are well aware of. My point of the message was to inform you of the things that bother me ( no i did not confer with [DOUCHEmom] about any of it). I would like to know the things that bother you as well, so that i can be fully aware of them and try harder to curb them. I was not aware of Mr.A’s pounding on your door. I wish you would have told me sooner so i could have made sure he didn't do it anymore. We as parents are not perfect and it helps to know what bothers people so we can reassess how we react. Please understand that i do not hate or dislike you. Yes, there are things that i dislike, but it is not you or Mr.N. Mr.N is a good kid, and is very sweet.


I just think I'm being unfairly AND overly judged and I can't wrap my brain around "Why me?" There's a mob mentality going on here and as much as you tried to sugar coat it there is no one standing up for the good things about me & my child, just A LOT of nasty "behind-the-back" talk. I'd like to see how ANY of you would fair if you were constantly being scrutinized, ridiculed and singled out. I said what I said about Mr.A because you were pointing out things about MY child that I've seen every other child be guilty of, but I'm NOT going to make a list of things that other people do that annoy me. It's not only hurtful but it would be chock full of inconsistencies because if you did something that annoyed me, it's VERY possible that it's just me. I can't say that you do a single specific thing to me that annoys me. The fact that you call me a friend on facebook messages and shun me in public isn't annoying, it's hurtful and mean. Honestly the only thing that REALLY annoys me is people that clip their finger nails in public. HA! If people do that do I run up and tell them so? No, just because it annoys me, it could be totally acceptable to someone else. Calling someone out on my personal pet-peeve will just make look silly and judgmental.


FYI Ms.N (a delightful woman who has no kids, but also lives in our area) has Shingles so unless Mr.N has had Chicken pox, he (and all the kids) should keep their distance from her.

-end conversation-

WTF????  ALL of my last message was replied to by saying someone has shingles?!? No "I'm sorry.  That was pretty shitty of me." No admission of guilt whatsoever?  I swear I live around the most unmoral group of people EVER!
Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are. – John Wooden

Monday, April 23, 2012


People creep into your life in the most unexpected ways sometimes.  I'm enthralled with this new blog I discovered.

She's a widow via suicide with 3 children.  I'm still reading but from what I've read so far their father committed the act in front of the children and to their mother, it seemed to come out of nowhere.

Reading her posts has made me reflect on my own situation.  I just don't understand! Why did this have to happen to her? It should have happened to me. *I know, HOW could I say that* But I was tortured by my son's father for 6 months, some of the things he did to me I'll never even be able to pour into my blog let alone actually talk to someone I know about it.  Night after night I prayed that he'd come home, not get arrested, not fall asleep face down in a marsh, not so drunk that he got hit by a car, etc. etc...  4 years later he is engaged for the SIXTH time and onto kid #3, when he wasn't even there for the birth of his 2nd. It's not fair. My beautiful 5 yr old boy is the only one in our neighborhood of little boys WITHOUT his dad and he's the only one I see getting bullied on a continued basis.  Every April's Fools day I change my relationship status to "widowed" I do it with the movie OH! Brother Where Art Thou in mind. She says in the movie "plenty of respectable people get hit by trains." and I used that as the basis for my own personal joke, but with Mad Woman in mind, I'll probably never do it again.

I'm not that angry at my son's father anymore.  I'm angry at my situation.  I'm so angry that I'm pissed off that we have to live around people who have no ambition in life but to collect welfare every month.  I'm pissed that I'm the one trying to better my life yet I still live in the ghetto and my son plays with kids who bully HIM!  I'm pissed off that my child is the 1st to share a new toy but when he asks to see someone else's toy?  He's literally told NO!  I'm pissed off at our situation and the fact that I allowed it to happen by BEING A COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOT and not kicking out his dad before he left on his own accord.  

I'm happy that school is coming so easy to me now.  I happy that at present, I don't have to do hours of homework each night to get good grades.  I'm happy that I can still have fun with my boy for now.  I'm happy that I'm doing something about our situation by trying to get the hell out of it!  I'm happy that we have a new future to look forward to.  This place WILL NOT be our life.  I will not allow it.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

A Reasonable Question To People Who Are Mature

If I had written anything in THIS BLOG that was untrue, try and put yourself in DOUCHEmom's shoes, would you be really mad or laugh at the discrepancies?

Well she got really mad and threw jabs at me that had absolutely nothing to do with the story and it's facts.  Surely she is upset because she told me things about BITCHmom that I could never know without her insights and she's worried that BITCHmom will find out.

I have my validation folks!  BITCHmom will probably never read the above blog post because DOUCHEmom would lose all credibility as someone that you can confide in.  

The moral of this story is to NEVER BE FAKE!  If you're fake someone will call you out on it and you'll look like a "douche." 

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

For those who are curious about BITCHmom... Here is the whole story.

    Now, why is the ex-crack head BITCHmom mad at me?  I'll tell you!  When the weather got nice last spring (May 2011), I let Mr.N run out back after dumping his backpack off in our house.  I TRUSTED HIM!  I had to walk out to his bus in front of our house and before I could stop him?  He was running out our back patio door to see Mr.A (his classmate) get off the bus too.  EVERYTIME that I ran out back after him, I explained to Mrs.M & Ms.A that I DID NOT expect them to watch after my child and they blew me off saying, “NO! We weren’t thinking that!”  That put my mind at ease.  Here are two women thinking my child was fine, running out of our back door without putting some BIG judgment on ME!

***this will become a BIG footnote later***

    We live in an apartment community and our back porch area leads into a big courtyard area surrounded by buildings that are all part of our quaint little apartment community.  So this became our routine, I would get Mr.N off the bus out front and he would run out the back patio door to see Mr.A.  One day, a woman started walking up to my patio door as I was getting ready to join Mr.N out back.   She said, "I'm sorry but your son knocked & we let him into our house and we were worried him.”  I profusely apologized.  This woman said that my son told her that "My mom is OK. She knows I'm OK but my dad is dead."  I explained to her that "YES, my son thinks his dad is dead, but he doesn't know any better.  One day he came up with that part about his dad all on his own and it breaks my heart to tell him the truth right now but I'll tell him that it is NOT ok to come into someone else's house, even if they let him in."  *Why she thought it was ok at this point, I’ll never know.  I would NEVER allow a child that I didn’t know to come into my house until I talked to their mom or dad.*   Mr.N didn't listen unfortunately.  A couple days later, after I had let Mr.N run out the back door against my better judgment, I saw the "dad" walking up to my back door.  I apologized profusely again and at this point, I told Mr.N to get in OUR house and I would never ever tolerate him going into ANYONE'S house ever again that he wasn't directly related to.  He was CRUSHED that on a beautiful day with oodles of kids outside, he was forced to stay inside for the remainder of that beautiful day and evening.  Mr.N listened to me after that terrible day that he had to stay inside…  He NEVER again went into BITCHmom’s house.  However, little did I know, BITCHmom’s opinion of me was sealed up for all eternity!  BITCHmom thought I was the worst mom in the world and even though she didn't really know me....  the fact that my child willing & naively went in to her house without ME?!?  I WAS A BAD BAD BAD MOM! 

    It's really too bad that #BITCHmom wants to judge me when she applied for "public assistance" (aka... WELFARE) and the State turned her down because she would not allow a paternity test on the man she called the father of her 1st born.  *DARN welfare people!  I guess they want proof, humph!* Ms.A told me all of this to make me feel better about BITCHmom’s disdain for me.  Ms.A (soon to be known as #DOUCHEmom) assured me that #BITCHmom was just a very unhappy person; she explained the many nights that #BITCHmom and her boyfriend had terrible fights in front of the baby.  Ms.A would welcome #BITCHmom into her house only to have the fight move INTO her house when the boyfriend showed up to coax #BITCHmom home.  *POOR DUDE!  I feel sorry for him because he seems like a nice enough guy* Ms.A went on to explain that #BITCHmom was an ex-crackhead…  OMG!!! WHAT?!?  

    This explained everything to me!  This was a bitter angry woman who was either dealt a shitty ass life or made it for herself, and if she wanted to hate me over something so fucking petty?  In my mind I decided to steer clear of her, let my son play with his friends because the ex-crackhead was pregnant again and clearly an unstable person.  Ms.A told me that #BITCHmom didn't even WANT to be pregnant... Ms.A said #BITCHmom said things like, "I fucking hate that I'm pregnant again." & "I never wanted this to happen again but "it" did so, 'Oh well!'"  I thought Ms.A & Mrs.M clearly had “my back.” since they told me such terrible things about #BITCHmom.  I considered them friends, since our boys were friends so #BITCHmom could keep her kid shut up in the house (which Ms.A & Mrs.M said was just terrible for a boy that age to be stuck in the house all the time) and we could simply enjoy each other’s company.  As much as I tried to stay away from BITCHmom there were occasional run-ins.  I was sitting outside one day with Mr.N when she came home from work.  Her passive aggressive jabs were SO fucking annoying!  But I decided that I was the better person here and no matter what, I would keep my mouth shut.

BITCHmom: Why are you sitting HERE (somewhat close proximity to her place)
Me: because it’s shady over here.
BITCHmom: *crinks her neck so she’s looking at my back porch and says* Gee!  It looks like there’s plenty of shade over there. 
WTF!  She thinks she subtly told me to go the fuck home, when it would have been funnier if she would have said “GO THE FUCK HOME!”  I would’ve LMFAO if she had.  :D

    I dealt with her bullshit silently for months.  Every jab she threw at me I silently took so I could take the high road knowing you’ll never get anywhere with a bitter & hateful ex-crackhead.  One day I confided with Ms.A.  I told her how I was SO sick of BITCHmom’s hateful comments, bitter ass attitude & overall unhappy demeanor.  Ms.A spilled everything that BITCHmom said about me in the recent days.  I already knew she hated me but Ms.A just confirmed it all in a clear form and not by stupid & spiteful comments.  Ms.A again explained that BITCHmom was an unhappy person and I wasn’t supposed to take any of her shit to heart.

**Fast forward through the whole winter, a glorious winter free of BITCHmom.  I started back at college in January, ready to start my new life.  A life where I would make things better for me and my son where the end result, after everything I’d been through would FINALLY result in a career and a real life for me & Mr.N**  
Unfortunately, in a way, we had an early spring.

    BITCHmom had her baby sometime during the winter.  I don’t actually care when but I assumed her baby was small enough that I wouldn’t have to deal with her bullshit for a while.  Mr.N played with his friends and had a great time.  I caught up with Ms.A & Mrs.M after being cooped up, it was very nice.  Until BITCHmom decided it was time to emerge from her hibernation.  One day when I saw a brother & sister playing near, but not with my son and his friends, I asked their mom if I could bring them over by the other 5 kids playing.  She said SURE!  I coaxed the pair to come over.  These two are funny, they find the oddest times to become shy.  I told them, "Come on guys!  You know everyone here.  There's no need to be shy!"  

BITCHmom then says: "Oh no no no. There's enough kids over here playing right now.  You two should stay by your own house."  I AM SO FUCKING ASTONISHED AT HER PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BULLSHIT that with my jaw still appallingly dropped, I take the brother and sister turn them around and start walking back to their porch area.  I then tell Nik to come with as well.  I fucking don't want him NEAR anyone who fucking hates me so much that she'll dismiss children from playing simply because it was my idea to bring them over.

    2 weeks later, Mr.N & I get home from school & I see BITCHmom and her 3 yr old playing at our apartment complex’s sorry excuse for a playground.  Since I see NO other kids around, I firmly tell Mr.N that he is to go NO where NEAR the yellow slide.  He's not happy about this but I tell him.  "She hates your mama.  I don't want you by her.  That's it!"  Of course when I go outside 5 mins later he is at the yellow slide. *Grrrrr! He really listens well* I yell to Mr.N, “Come back home buddy!”  *Not crazy mad like I felt… don’t need to give her anymore reason to falsely accuse me of being the world’s worst mom, but honestly here, I could say what I wanted because my child directly disobeyed me.*

BITCHmom says "No!  He's fine over here."
Me: NO. He was told specifically NOT to go over there. 

    We're at least 50 feet from each other so as she starts bitching, I'm just barking commands at Nik so it seems like I'm not hearing a word of her rant.  It was something about me being a bad mom for telling MY child that someone (her) hated ME.  That was the jist anyway.  I take Mr.N inside, lock my patio door and shut the blinds 90 %.  I want NO interaction with this person.  I wish she'd grow the fuck up but since I can't make her do that?  Then DON'T TALK TO ME!  Easy peezzy right?  WRONG!  BITCHmom decides she needs to come up to MY patio door & have 3 yr old knock on the glass *I've had a pet peeve about this FOR YEARS a patio door is for friends only, if you're selling something, an acquaintance or in this case, SOMEONE WHO FUCKING HATES ME, YOU USE MY FRONT FUCKING DOOR!!!!  Well I drew the blinds enough so there's nothing making me open the door to this BITCHmom holding her 3 MONTH OLD BABY and her 3 year old.  I want NOTHING to do with her but the 12 year old in her wants to hash this out.  NOW WHAT?!?  I’LL TELL YOU FUCKING WHAT!  I BLOGGED ABOUT IT. 

I gave a condensed version of ALL of the above.  I hit all the main points but left out the disparaging points in her past that Ms.A filled me in on.  The fact that she’s an ex-crackhead didn’t have much to do with BASE facts of her insane hatred towards me and her actions to others. Soooooooooo…  I publish the blog the night that BITCHmom knocked on my patio door.  I then sent a text to Ms.A with the link  assuming that Ms.A was on my side, because that’s how she portrayed herself, I wanted her to know directly what went down earlier that evening.  Ms.A texts me back saying that she’s in fact at BITCHmom’s house & BITCHmom wants to talk to me. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!?  EXCUSE ME!?!  I could care fucking less if she was at BITCHmom’s house but I blog I sent her in confidence was put in front of BITCHmom by Ms.A who had been pretending to be my friend for how fucking long?!?  I literally had 30 seconds to pull all of the above together in my brain before *BOOM BOOM BOOM!* the knocking on my front door!  WTF AGAIN?!?  Not only did Ms.A betray me, she sent the lion off to the lamb well before she sent the text saying that BITCHmom wanted to “talk to me.”  I yelled through my door for her to go away. 
BITCHmom: I just want to talk to you! 
ME:  NO!  All you want is a confrontation that I refuse to give you. GO AWAY!
Since BITCHmom has now come to my house twice in one night I called the cops and explained EVERYTHING.  I was told by a policeman that this is the Internet, and as long as I do not post personal information (i.e. real name, last name & address) about her then I'm free to talk about her... All that I want!  I told him that, “NO!  I posted no names and my blog was anonymous.”  I remember scuffling my feet a little bit and saying, “To be honest with you, in the blog, I only referred to her as BITCHmom.”  The officer let a snicker slip and then said, “Well no one would be able to figure out who she was just by THAT.”  The officer said that he would tell her to leave me alone and that I under no means HAVE to open my door to ANYONE at ANYTIME and I did nothing wrong.  Ms.A didn’t answer my “phone call” TWICE but texted me a short time later asking if the cops had been “out back”?  I told her, “Yes!  I had no choice if BITCHmom thought she could keep trying to have a confrontation with me.”  Ms.A went on to tell me how much of an idiot I was, that ME and my CHILD were the REAL PROBLEMS, that BITCHmom wasn’t saying ANYTHING that EVERYONE already thought & NO ONE but BITCHmom was forward enough to say what EVERYONE was already wanting to say.  


    My world was turned upside down!  Really?  All these people fucking hate me and I didn’t fucking know it?  How in the hell could I be SO wrong about people and how they felt about me?  My head was spinning.  I called the mom of the two kids that BITCHmom had sent away that one day when she was acting like the Queen of the Fucking Courtyard.  I was sobbing at this point.  I incoherently told her the story of the night’s events.  She calmed me down saying that Ms.A probably didn’t mean it, she would come around later and there was NO way that Ms.A meant what she said.  Even though I didn’t believe her she did a good job of making me feel better and then she said that even if Ms.A meant what she said there was NO WAY Mrs.M felt the same way.  I sent a message to Mrs.M and she said that she really didn’t know what was going on but she didn’t feel the same way that Ms.A & BITCHmom did.  She said that everyone has things that bug them about everyone.  There were things that bugged her where I was concerned but there were things that bugged her as far as Ms.A was concerned as well but I was NOT the problem that Ms.A proclaimed me to be and if either of us were, she wouldn’t be friends with either of us.  If Ms.A thought she could rally EVERYONE in our area to HER and BITCHmom’s cause against me???  Well, she was shit out of fucking luck.  A day or two later I explained the predicament to another neighbor.  She told me that the “opinion of one is not the opinion of all” and left it at that.  A couple days later the neighbor told me that she flat out TOLD Ms.A “that the opinion of one is not the opinion of all” and as much as Ms.A protested, she simply said “the opinion of one is not the opinion of all”


BITCHmom was DETERMINED to get her confrontation!  As I was sitting playing with Mr.N, Mr.A & the new 3 year old that moved in, along with Mrs.M & the new mom that had NO idea what was going on, BITCHmom came home and even with her baby and toddler in the backseat, she came over to have her confrontation with me while I was sitting on the ground surrounded by pre-schoolers and unsuspecting moms. 
BITCHmom: blah, blah, blah, what are you doing over here?  You just expect these moms to look after your child without even asking? 
*BITCHmom doesn’t realize at this point that Mrs.M & Ms.A already told me that they didn’t have a problem with it.  Poor BITCHmom!  At this point she has egg on her face without even knowing it.  But since I STILL didn’t want to bring people into this arrogant argument without their consent? I would leave them out of it because of the respect that I had for THEM!*
ME:  Well the kids are playing so I don’t really see a problem.
BITCHmom:  Well if you’re gonna call the cops on me!!!  I think you should stay away.
ME:  Well, the cops said I was free to be wherever I wanted.  This is an apartment complex are we’re all free to be wherever we want.  You can’t tell me that I’m not allowed to be here.  They told ME that you weren’t supposed to talk to me again.
BITCHmom:  Well if you’re so threatened by me what are you doing here?
ME:  Again, they said I was free to go and be where I wanted.
BITCHmom:  Well!  If you’re over here clearly you aren’t threatened by ME!  Maybe I’M threatened by YOU!
ME:  Well I dunno but you’re the one standing over me while I’m sitting here on the ground, yelling at me in front of these kids that can hear everything…  Who’s being more threatening here?  Me or you?
BITCHmom: YEAH! Now who’s being passive aggressive?
ME:  I dunno, I’m still sitting here… on the ground so?
*BITCHmom mumbles something about being threatened and how SHE should call the cops right now, while she huffs and puffs and walks the FUCK away.  At least she finally got her toddler and infant out of her car*
The new mom told me, “She’s fricken scary!”  I told her, “Naw!  If you don’t cross her you’ll be just fine.  I was the one that didn’t put up with her bullshit.”  I sat my ground [instead of standing up] the whole time that BITCHmom was trying to provoke me.  I could have stood up and expressed my disgust with her but that’s what she wanted and I refused to give her the satisfaction.  Mr.N played outside even after Ms.A came home with her child.  I paid her NO MIND.  I was smug in the sense that her idiotic comrade had just made a complete ASS of herself just an hour earlier.  Mr.N played nicely with all his friends into the evening.  When we finally came in for the night I had to make dinner and then I had to do my dreaded homework.  I had a quiz and reading for sociology, a freewrite for my Rogerian Argument paper in my writing class & preparations for speech class.  Mr.N was in bed by 9pm and I was up until 11pm before my homework was finally finished.  I woke up at 4am to Mr.N coughing… HARD!  When I went into his room he said he was going to puke.  I said, “No honey!  You’re fine. It’s just…” [PUKE!]  I felt so bad!  I had no idea that he was that sick!  I put him in my bed and cleaned up his bed the best I could.  

I climbed in my bed with Mr.N and played a movie on the laptop.  I kept a bucket next to him as he was throwing up every hour until about noon.  At this point we finally both fell asleep for more than just the time between the pukes.  Around 2pm I got a text message from a neighbor saying that the cops were outside and they had just walked BITCHmom out of her apartment.  I asked him if she was cuffed and he said he couldn’t see.  After back and forth text messages of the events that were happening outside, he said she looked like a lunatic screaming at the cops about how her tires were slashed and it HAD to be [ME].  At this point, I was ready to leap out of bed and make myself somewhat presentable to the police that were obviously going to show up at my door, seeing that BITCHmom named me in her tire-slashing incident.  Even though my house smelled like puke, I was going to welcome ANY person in who thought I could possibly do such a stupid thing.  But they never came, I guess karma can work as long as you sit back and let it happen.  (Unfortunately crap like this happens all the time around here.  For fun last summer a kid burned down a port-a-potty right across the street at the high school.  The little punk didn’t realize that there was a security camera aimed right at the spot of the crime.)  The neighbor who was texting me said the police had left and more than 20 minutes later, there was no knock on my door.  Mr.N & I stayed in that evening because we were exhausted.  I went to school the next day and even though Mrs.M said she KNEW it couldn’t be me that slashed BITCHmom’s tire…  Ever since, she sits on the lawn chairs that I used to sit on with her and Ms.A.  She completely ignores me now, not caring that I considered her a friend.  Even though Ms.A (who I now refer to as DOUCHEmom) has said some awful things about Mrs.M in the past I’ve still been able to keep them to myself, mainly because I don’t want to hurt Mrs.M’s feelings.  I wish had people that were willing to do something like that for me.

There is ONE rule that I can teach my child and that is respect.  I am sick and tired of adults that do not share my same resolve.  You can tell a child over and over to respect their elders but if you don’t implement it yourself???  Your child never will either.

Saturday, April 14, 2012


I’m not worthy to be picked out by a mom such as this and even though I posted it as a comment on her blog, I can elaborate better than a mere comment.

Mr.N had a speech delay.  He didn’t say his very 1st word until he was 26 months old.   Everything before he was 2 is a hazy mess.  I spent the 1st year of his life trying to wrangle an alcoholic sociopath and raise an infant.  When said sociopath (bob) walked out on us, Mr.N was 10 months old.  I was so freaking scared of the future that I was lucky we made it day by day.  There were promises for the next year that bob was SO over the tramp he left us for that at least every 3 months, I was given assurances from him that we were going to again be a family, very soon.  Looking back I realize it was a tactic of his control.  He was able to do it even after the fucker left us!  I also realize that it was a shitty ass way to live my life.  The very memory of how I lived my life the year following his departure is pathetic and embarrassing!  But like any traumatic event I eventually got over this too and I was stronger for it. 

There had been murmurs at doctor’s visits about the lack of speech developing with Mr.N but I was a 1st time mother (without her own mother around to consult) raised by a very old-school type family and we all believed that there was absolutely nothing wrong with a 2 year old that didn’t speak… yet.  I got Mr.N into day care and started volunteering at the local animal shelter.  It was his day care mom who finally raised a bigger red flag than anyone else could.  I told her that I didn’t have a problem with him not talking yet but she persisted until she wore me down and she got me in touch with people in our area who would meet with him at day care twice a month with one in-home visit.  This I could handle.  I took a very “hands-off” approach with his treatment.  I technically wasn’t acknowledging that my child had a problem, just letting them do what they wanted because it certainly wasn’t going to hurt anything. 

After almost a year in day care, I finally got my first job since before Mr.N was born!  I was OVER-THE-MOON HAPPY!  My start date was to be 08/26/2008, exactly two years TO THE DAY that bob left our home.  Now THIS had to be a sign!  I was told that Mr.N would be out of the Birth-3 program and eligible for the special needs pre-school.  I’m starting a new job… Mr.N would have SCHOOL?!?  With busing to and from school and day care?!?  Who was I to judge if it was "special-needs" this was a single mom’s dream come true, until they started “hinting.”

In May of 2009 the teachers at my son’s pre-school diagnosed him as autistic.  They had been “pussy-footing” around the A-word (as I called it) since November of 2008.  I’m not an idiot!  They would say that he had this characteristic and that characteristic, all of which I knew were “characteristics” of autism, without ever saying the actual word until his 1st year of school was almost over.  I thought his life WAS OVER!  I was really dumb looking back but you have to remember this was 3 years ago, I didn't know any better.  After I was done crying, I slammed my hands on the table and said, "OK! Let's do this thing! When do we test him?"  They applauded my 'take charge attitude' and then said they would test him in the fall. IT WAS MAY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! They actually expected me to spend the WHOLE summer wondering and worrying!  I got home, called our physician and after a couple weeks and some referrals we had our screening appt. The clinic confirmed what I sort of suspected all along. To quote the doctor, "He has 'personality quirks' I'll give you that, but it's not autism." I came to find out that my son's pre-school gets extra state funding for students they deem "autistic." I have SO much respect for parents of autistic children and feel ashamed that my son's school thought it was ok to corral me in with an ELITE group of parents.

Today Mr.N is STILL obsessed with vacuum cleaners as he was when he was 3.  He knows the difference between a Dyson DC-10 and the Dyson Ball.  He knows what features are on the Hoover Wind Tunnel, Eureka The Boss & everything in between.  He knows that James Spangler invented the Hoover & James Dyson invented the Dyson.  The only difference between then and now is that vacuums are no longer his one and only key interest.  Mr.N knows all the names of the trains on Thomas & Friends, the names of all the Transformers and whether they’re an Autobot or a Decepticon. 

I'm thrilled by this KUDDOS for my blog.  I started this as a type of "documented closure" on a HUGE chapter in my life at the start of a HUGE new chapter in which I'm starting college again with the knowledge that this time, for me and my child, I WILL FINISH!

Monday, March 19, 2012

Screw Unicorns & Rainbows! I’m going to talk about what I really want to… Part Deux

So, things came to a bitter end with my college roommates, when they were sick of me continuing a relationship with BOB and decided to force me to move out, they really didn't have means besides saying:  “We don’t like her boyfriend.”  That’s when I confided in my Sister and Brother-in-law over the money that my roommates were saying I owed them, my Sister and her husband stood up for me.  They wanted “black & white” proof, actual utility bills and letters from the landlord.  When my roommates couldn't provide this to my brother-in-law…  He told me to go to my room, get what I needed because he was taking me out of there RIGHT NOW!  I remember gathering my things and looking at my brother-in-law in the living room staring at my roommates like, “Don’t you dare try and come at me NOW.”  They all sat like little children, not saying ANYTHING in front of him, they had stopped playing the video games they were playing before he walked in, because my brother-in-law was standing in front of my TV that they were looking at now.   When the 4 guys tried to protest to my brother-in-law about how I had done them wrong, He told them to shut the f**k up!  He had shown that he was willing to defend me no matter what because he was married to my sister.

Within the next week, I took out the cash value on my life insurance policy in January 2005.  I moved in with BOB against my sister’s best wishes and I gave BOB my $900 cash to make sure that BOB wasn't evicted from his apartment.  After I was all moved in and penniless BOB informed me that he had a girlfriend and they had been dating for about two months.  This wasn't even the same girl that had threatened me back in November.  I was officially trapped.  No money, unable to run back to my sister’s (that ship had obviously sailed) and in about 2 weeks….  I was going to find out I was pregnant.

This story is exhausting.  I CANNOT WAIT until I conclude it on this blog so I can start writing about funny shit and other useless knowledge tidbits that make me truly HAPPY!

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

I Am NOT a Bible Thumper But...

We had to do a “This I believe” essay for school.  For me the easiest topic to write about would be faith & God.  So if you think about it you’d want to write something that came to you easy.  Side note, I LOVE ATHEISTS!  They fascinate me because we’re so different.  I have a friend on facebook who practically calls me a blind following nutjob (he’s not that blunt of course but I have a feeling that that’s what he’s thinking).  A while back I decided that I wasn’t going to debate religion with him the same way I wouldn’t debate politics with my Step-brother.  We all believe so firmly that we 100% know that we’ll never change each other’s minds therefore we are wasting our breath.  Sure we still throw comments at each other but someone eventually bows out gracefully because we know we won’t change anything.  That being said…

I wanted to post my essay as a blog entry.  I am NOT trying to convert anyone to Christianity.  I’m just proud of the finished product.  So read it if you want or pretend I never posted it.  I’ll be fine with that too.  :D

I believe in God
            Growing up, I was made to go to church every Sunday.  I also attended Christian day school which meant my religion was instilled in me 6 days a week, but literally 24 hours a day and 7 days a week, if we include my home life when I was young.  As we got older my siblings and I protested more often and more loudly about attending Church on Sunday mornings.   When I entered public school in the 9th grade, my sister entered her 1st year of college, and my brother who was four years older than she had been out of the house for at least five years.  Little did we know then that we were about to have some very near tragedies that would test even the strongest of Christians.  My mother however, never wavered. 
When I was 16 years old, I was rear ended trying to make a left hand turn into our driveway.  The busy highway in front of house meant that we had to wait for the oncoming traffic to pass by before we could make the turn.  I was at a dead stop when I was rear ended at 60 miles per hour.  When my mother came over the hill before our house and saw the flares lining the highway, she said that she instantly started praying.  She and every driving member of our family had had close calls with people in a hurry.  These cars would pass us on the right just to save a couple seconds of their commute and this made for some very nail biting close calls.  Minutes before my mother got there, a very kind woman stopped, came over to my driver’s side door, opened it and coerced me to get out.  I was sobbing uncontrollably, amazed that I was not only still alive but also completely mobile.  I’m sure whatever I said to her was completely incoherent, but I can remember what she said to me.  She said, “I know, Sweetie.  Come on, Sweetie.  You just have to get out of the car!  It’s not safe here!”  When my mother finally got to the center of the confusion, she threw the car in park and ran to me.  She told the lady who was holding me that she had been waiting 20 years to come over that hill and “see those flares.”  She had been praying non-stop for the last 5 minutes that it took her to get to me, after first seeing the flares.  Her prayers were, “Please don’t take my baby. Please don’t take my baby.”  As a mother now, I can only imagine the fears going through her mind; “Is she dead?  Is she paralyzed?  Will she be mentally handicapped, for the rest of her life?”  I know for a fact that the faith my mother had in God made the weight on her shoulders lift instantly when she saw me standing upright, embraced in the arms of a stranger in front of our mailbox.
Two weeks later, my brother was involved in a very serious accident.  The 16-year-old who pulled out in front of him had been killed instantly.  My mother prayed constantly for my brother to recover but also kept the memory of that 16-year-old girl in our thoughts.  She prayed for her family and their emotional healing through this difficult time.  Even though we almost lost a member of our immediate family, she trivialized it compared to the other family who in her words, “would never see such a young girl grow up, get married and have a family of her own.”  As we were packing up his hospital room the day my brother was to be discharged, my mother was opening the last of the mail that he received during his stay.  My brother and I looked at her as she started to softly cry over a particular greeting card.  It turned out that this one was from the parents of the girl killed in the accident.  Their sentiments, which caused my mom to cry, were simply put: “We’re so sorry this happened and we hope you can move on from this.”  My mother was blown away.  Even though the details of the accident were clearly the young girl’s fault, my mom couldn’t believe that two grieving parents were able to take the time to send such a beautiful card.  I saw another weight lifted off someone’s shoulders, this time it was my brother’s.  My mother couldn’t see any of this being anything other than Divine Intervention.
My mother was diagnosed with stage IIII ovarian cancer on Valentine’s Day 1997, 30 years ago to the day that my father proposed to her.  Obviously up to this point, I knew my mother had faith.  However in my early adult life, I hadn’t been practicing my parent’s faith on my own.  My mother took her chemotherapy treatments on Wednesday afternoons, so that she wasn’t sick until Friday night.  She would be sick all day Saturday and most of Sunday.  But she was always back to work on Monday morning, if she could possibly help it. 
The first conversation I had with my mother after she decided to discontinue her cancer treatments involved a lot of hugging and crying.  She said, “Sarah, I’ve lived my life. I’m not one of these 20 something women, with a baby hanging on their hip with breast cancer.”  I replied, “But I’m YOUR baby.”  I regret making that statement now because it was the only time I made her cry after she made the decision to die.  It wasn’t my intention, just a statement from a daughter to her mother, and I see now that it was a selfish statement. 
When I completely embraced her decision, I came home from Minneapolis every chance I could.  I spent two hours, during the car ride there, wondering what she was going to look like this time.  After the visit, I spent two hours in the car wondering what she was going to look like the next time I went home.  When I went home for spring break, March 2000, my mother was listening to Tennessee Ernie Ford and while I was sitting next to her on our couch, she grabbed my hand and said, “I wish Jesus would just swoop down on his chariot and pick me up right now because I’m ready.”  At that moment I wished the same thing.  Not for any reason other than, “If she wanted that, then I wanted it too.”  I went home to see her on a Friday, the day she entered into hospice.  She made me go back to Minneapolis for classes that week even though I protested. 
The following Thursday night, I received a phone call from my father around midnight, urging me to leave as soon as possible, even that night if I could.  My longtime boyfriend and I packed our bags at my father’s command and left our home in Minneapolis.  When we got to the hospice unit around 3am, the nurses greeted us.  They told me that she was still alive and I was able to see her then.  Even though she looked like she was sleeping I could tell that she was just a shell of a human being, barely hanging on.  When I asked how long she had been like this they said she had been incoherent for about three days.  After that they showed us to a sleeping room where we could stay for the night.  After we woke up on Friday morning I checked in on my mom one last time.  I hugged her, kissed her and told her that I loved her.  We then decided to go to my parent’s house to freshen up and get ready for the inevitable events that would come that day.  Within 5 minutes of our being there the phone rang.  I dropped my shoulders because I knew what this meant.  I knew before my boyfriend answered the phone that my mom was dead.  I was handed the phone and my sister said, “She’s gone Sarah.  She’s gone.” 
Later I found out that a dear co-worker of my mom’s had shown up shortly after I left.  Seeing that all of my mother’s honorary pall bearers were her co-worker’s that worked less than 100 feet away from where she was staying in Hospice, it was not unusual that these people came to see her.  They came on breaks, lunch breaks, before work and after work.  They would all say, “We just HAVE to see her.”  But this co-worker was different.  Dave Tiffany said he was compelled to come and see my mom, even though he had already said good-bye to her the day before.  He said that something had drawn him to come back again.  On this visit he said “Please let go.  I will see you again in heaven.  You can go now, just go.”  At this point, my mother died.  She didn’t die while holding a family member’s hand.  She died while holding a co-worker’s hand who held the very same belief that she did.
            After she passed away, I lived with my agnostic boyfriend for the next year and a half.  This boyfriend asked me every morning if I was going to be “happy” that day.  My normal response to him was, “I don’t know.  I’ll let you know later.”  He begged me to take anti-depressant drugs, just so I could be happy.  I refused because I felt that I needed to feel my mother’s death in order to really move on.  I finally realized that there is a simple grieving process to losing a parent.  In my case the 1st Easter, Birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and anniversary of her death were practically unbearable.  When Easter was approaching in 2001 I actually had my own epiphany.  I told myself, “What are you so worried about?  This is the second Easter without her.  Nothing can be as bad as the first.”  At this point I was able to look forward to the holidays that were to come, thinking that none of them could be harder than the firsts.  My simple grieving process was behind me and all it really took was time.
            After the dark cloud that was a permanent fixture over my head had lifted, I was left to go on with my daily activities in a different way.  I found myself constantly asking, “What would my mom want me to do?”  A majority of the questions I had were able to be answered by the way my mother lived her life and the faith that ultimately drove her. The phrase, “What would Jesus do?” never held a lot of clout with me, but when WWJD started coming directly after “What would mom want me to do?” a bridge was made.  I felt like I had come full circle as far as my religion was concerned.  I practiced it blindly as a child, I questioned it as a young adult and I accepted it as an adult who saw too many reasons to deny it.  I believe in God because God showed himself though my mother.  This is not a belief that I came to blindly or easily.